An Open Letter to My Homies Back in the Motherland

Dear Indian people in India,

I beg of you, please stop doing the following:

1. Setting widows on fire.
2. Marrying dogs to atone for something.
3. Sending one legged homeless people after me to take my money. Despite the absence of an essential limb, those guys still run faster than me.
4. Erecting temples devoted to rats.
5. Raising furor over things like Richard Gere pecking Shilpa Shetty on the cheek, while ignoring the thousands of sexual assaults on women that occur daily in the country. Shilpa gets kissed on the cheek and there's a call for Gere's head--my cousin gets groped on a train and no one bats an eye. That's beyond messed up.
6. Dumping piles of trash right next to your own domicile.
7. Sending your children out in the mid-day sun to beg for money while you sit in the shadows threatening to beat them with shoe leather.
8. Having babies with four extra limbs. I know that's kind of out of your control, but maybe taking in more folic acid would help? I'm not sure. I'm the one Non-Resident Indian who's not a doctor.
9. Asking me when I'm getting married. I'm just going to keep telling you that I'm married to God, okay?
10. Embarrassing Indian people around the world by doing any of the above.

Seriously. I have worked my entire life to free myself of the stereotypes I was shackled with the moment I emerged from the womb wearing this year-round tan. I am immensely proud of my heritage, my family, and myself, but that pride begins to ebb when I read in the news about some enormously idiotic thing some bumpkin has done in Biaora or some random place in India. Every time you guys do something like burn Richard Gere in effigy, it ruins my credibility a little bit.

In fairness, India has a lot of beautiful things going for it. But its PR is terrible. Just like the rest of the world thinks that America is a gun-toting, crack-smoking, den of iniquity, violence, and arrogance, the world sees India as a hot, nasty place filled with equal parts snake charmers and outsourcing phone personnel named Tim, Mike, David, or Chuck.

Has the US earned its reputation? Somewhat. But we as Americans feel that we are often misunderstood despite our good intentions. I hope no one wakes up in this country feeling guilty for being a US citizen. I am so grateful for what I have here, my opportunities, my lifestyle, my freedom. However, I think every sentient American recognizes that once you leave our airspace, you are liable to hear someone from another country complain about our government. The weird thing is, I often find myself in defensive mode when that happens. It's like when you complain about your parents--you are allowed to complain about your own parents, but not anyone else's. If it's out of your family, it should be out of your purview for complaining purposes.

Anyway, take the US's situation and take away the cultural influence the US has on others, and add cows, lepers, roaming dogs, beeping trucks all over the freaking place, and mustachioed men who think nothing of trying to stare you down in public places (which is why you need to adopt my method of making irritating crazy faces at them to make them back off--let me know if you want advice) and you have India's reputation in the global marketplace. People, do you want to keep up your FDI-initiated growth rates that are enabling you guys to buy from Levi's and Pizza Hut and Marks and Spencers? Then stop turning my birthplace into an international joke. Because right now, companies are looking at Brazil with their hot women, Carnivale, and cheap plastic surgery and for my part--I know the choice would be easy (not that Indian women aren't hot, but seriously--unbraiding the hair occasionally could go a long way, ladies).

And I haven't even gotten started on the monkeys. When you get to the point where monkeys frighten a politician to the point where he falls over a balcony to his death--really, what more needs to be said?

In a way, much of India's idiosyncrasies is what makes the country quaint and unique. There is much about India that I hope never changes. But there is a not-so-fine line between "quaint" and "all-out-crazy". Your aunt Gertrude dressing up the cat for Halloween is kind of quaint and kooky. Aunt Gertrude dressing the cat in a onesie and parading it down the block in a stroller is completely crazy. India--you're getting close to cat-in-a-stroller type craziness.

Again, I want to reiterate how much I love India, and how much I love to go back and visit my family, see the natural wonders and the thousands of years of history laid out in our monuments--the reason I complain is because I care about you as a country, and I know we all deserve better. You deserve better than the undercurrent of misogyny that runs through much of the place, the blind religious devotion that can go from absurd to deadly in a matter of minutes. You have history, literature, music, culture that is transcendent and glorious, elegant and uplifting. But we are completely betraying our legacy with our willful ignorance and closed-mindedness. Woman wears a low-cut shirt in Delhi and she's branded a whore. A man marries a dog to atone for his crimes against other dogs and he's labeled a devotee. There is something seriously wrong there. Please stop forcing me to explain my country to other people. I just can't do it.