Back to my Resting Heart Rate

The last few weeks alone have been pretty intense, and then I get to the last 48 hours which put me into a whirlwind. Maybe it wouldn't have affected other people as much as it does me, but I am very wedded to the status quo, once I've found one I'm comfortable with, and so the moment that is threatened, I go into an odd offense, trying to figure out how to cope--and this is only how I deal with good news.

Tuesday, I got the great news that I had gotten into the Said Business School at Oxford, which was phenomenal and, what's more, totally unexpected considering that they state their decisions go out mid-January. I was almost angry to get the news in a way because I'm kind of a jerk and because I wasn't prepared to hear good news--meaning that I was in a kind of pouty mood and sort of marinating in the December rut I was in, and suddenly I was being expected to respond to good news and think about all the life implications it brought. So, the news left me catatonic for a few hours, and after I told my mom and best friends about it, I finally started to thaw and think about what would happen next--okay, I have the next few months to enjoy Chicago, then I'd move to Oxford and figure out what I wanted to do. Or wait, maybe I needed to get an internship first to better understand where my strengths were. Or maybe I'd take a trip to Europe. Suddenly, all my options started opening up and revealing themselves to me and fear of change was replaced by an eagerness to start life at Oxford.

Then, that got totally upended. I woke up on Wednesday and checked my e-mail and found that my "application status had changed" for the Columbia Business School. Wow, finally! I had been waiting and waiting for what seemed like months to hear whether or not I would be granted an interview and now it looks like maybe I had gotten it--or got a pre-emptive rejection, which would have been a little sad. I literally spat my coffee all over my lap when I read the acceptance message on the screen, welcoming me to Columbia's incoming class of 2008. I had to reread it several times to make sure it wasn't a message thanking me for my application and then sending me on my way. No no. It was an acceptance, my second within a 24 hour period, and I was overwhelmed.

Overachievers and those who know them probably are already aware that acceptance and success are like drugs. Between our sold out show and this huge week in getting my life straightened out, I feel like I just did a few speedballs off a mirror in the middle of the Viper Room. I am a huge dork, and I know that metaphor just screams it, but it doesn't matter. The high is still there.

So, come September 2008, I will be moving to New York City and will voluntarily put myself in more than a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. If people didn't do things like that every day, I'd probably be in the fetal position just thinking about it. But I wanted this so badly, I WANT it so badly, and I can't even begin to justify complaining about it. The first thing my mom and two best friends told me after their congratulations was "I'm so happy for you, I know this was your first choice". I don't often get my first choice, but that's what this is and I'm ecstatic. I'll stop bragging about it because a) I'm annoying even myself and b) when you start bragging about something you jinx it a little bit but I just have to absorb and love this moment because they come around so rarely.

I was talking to one of the wonderful people in my cast about this news tonight and she said something that affected me pretty deeply, more deeply than she knows, I'm sure. She said "I am really happy for you, but don't forget one thing--you're a writer." That hit me hard, and in a good way. Even after the show, and after having committed to another show, I have never considered myself a writer. But I want so badly to be one, and to be told you are by another person, especially a person you respect as an artist, is a good feeling. I promised her that I wouldn't stop writing, I couldn't even if I wanted to because it's become a compulsion, and then tonight I worked on two plays I've had up my sleeve for sometime--and managed to write for a good two hours.

There is a part of me that, despite its happiness over this news and feeling like I have something to look forward to, is devastated over the prospect of leaving Chicago. What hasn't this city given me? After four miserable years in DC, Chicago gave me every amenity I could ever ask for, great people to know, and finally got me to start accepting that I need to indulge my creative side, which is one of the first authentic moves I've made as an adult and has only given me rewards. Yeah, there have been some pretty terrible times, but I don't think I would have made it through them as quickly and successfully if I had been in any other city.

So in a way, I feel like I'm being unfaithful to this city which has been like a companion to me. But I know I want to commit to it some day, I guess I just need to date around a little bit first. New York will be an amazing change, and I'm sure I'll still get my jollies out on the written page (even if it's a far more competitive environment there). But I will miss this city, I'll miss this life so much. However, I am banking on the hope that the next phase of my life will somehow turn out even better.

And, if anyone is reading this right now and hating me for my optimism, I can only tell you that I wish I started this blog back in March of this year when all I could think about was setting things on fire and throwing things out the window because my life was in such a pit. We all get into trenches. And it's probably a good idea to acknowledge and be excited when you get out of one.

So, now I'm feeling pretty sanguine and I've wanted to post one of my favorite villanelles for some time now, but never really had any reason to. But this feels like a pretty good occasion for it and, honestly, the poem is so good that it justifies its existence anywhere and any time.

The Waking
by Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.