Holiday Trauma

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday tomorrow, but I also want to express my hope that you all stay safe. Holidays tend to be a magnet for accidents and trauma and I don't want anything to befall my loved, or liked ones.

Here is a true story of one of my personal favorite stories of holiday trauma. I think this happened when I was about six.

You know those holiday lights you put on the tree? They sure look great all lit up, but has anyone ever noticed that they look pretty cool even while dark? With their glossy dark greens, blues, and reds, they almost look like hard candy, especially when you're a kid and, let's face it, prone to making bad decisions.

So, I was helping to unstring these lights, and apparently didn't realize that Christmas lights and candy are not synonymous. My parents were busy doing something else (probably getting clobbered by the tree or something) and I ended up sucking on the lights. I was so fervent in what I was doing that I actually sucked the color off of three lights before I realized that, you know what? These don't taste nearly as good as I expected. I think at that point, either my parents found out that I was trying to consume the lights, or I mentioned to them my disappointment that they weren't candy, and then I remember a lot of furious activity.

I think there were phone calls, there were angry words (how could you let her suck on the lights? Why would I think she would suck on the lights?) and I think there was some fear that this was going to cause me permanent brain damage or something, a result that the jury is still out on, and what seems to have been the end result in terms of a solution to this odd little predicament was--they had to try and make me throw up.

Unfortunately, and this is true to this day, I hate throwing up and can't really do it unless it's completely involuntary. So, I remember one of my parents placing me on a chair in front of a kitchen sink while I spit. I spit, and spit, and spit, like a featherweight wrestler trying to make weight. That's my favorite traumatic Christmas memory--me spitting into the sink after sucking on Christmas lights with my parents nearby, worried that their baby's going to be brain damaged.

Merry Christmas everyone and remember--Christmas lights are not candy.