Maybe I'm Amazed

I love evenings like this one, where I spend 7 hours talking to someone the way I used to when I was younger and thought living room banter could change the world.

I was thinking about one of my favorite lines from "Lolita" where Humbert Humbert states "oh, let me be mawkish for the nonce! I am so tired of being cynical." Though my similarity to H.H. ends at our both having hard-to-pronounce names and a penchant for big words, I have to agree--cynicism has limited value. Cynicism seems to come from a desire to not look unprepared, to give ourselves a bit of armor in the form of lowered expectations, to appear wise and worldly. But human beings are naturally inclined to hope in even the most desperate circumstances, so why are we so wired these days to rail against optimism?

This is going to be a huge week for me. Today was already pretty huge, but I don't want to talk about it because it will bore you and make me superstitious. I'm trying not to start creating contingencies in my mind in anticipation of nothing working out, but I have this weird thing about planning everything down to the letter to make sure that nothing is unexpected and I can deal with any situation. But then I never get to really relish the pursuit of my dreams, which is kind of annoying.

But tonight, I got to hang out with a friend of mine that I haven't seen for a while and we went back in time to discuss college, what we used to think was important then and all the minor devastation we went through that in hindsight seems virtually irrelevant. We found out we had some wonderfully bizarre things in common and even gave each other the courtesy of rehashing some things we'd already discussed before because the stories were just that hilarious (and I even got one of the best hookup stories ever out of the evening that I am trying very, very hard not to put in a sketch lest I lose a friend).

Anyway, tonight reminded me that sometimes it's okay to slow down and stop planning and revel in the dumb stuff we've inflicted on ourselves, knowingly or not. I've lost out on so many opportunities but have no regrets about where I am now, which is pretty spectacular. I am used to being cynical and expecting the worst--I arrive at every situation with band-aids and bactine. But this week, I'm going to enjoy the anticipation of possibilities. I don't know if my life is going to change, but I'm pretty sure whatever happens, I'll be okay.

Unless, you know, I do something dumb like base jump off the Hancock building.