Scenes from a Bus or Let's Explore Anxiety

On Friday night, a friend from college was going to be doing some standup at a club I had never been to before. I happen to believe that being supportive of other people's endeavors helps to build good karma (if we completely misuse the word karma) and also helps me with my networking because, well, that's one of the things I think about. I invited a few friends, one of whom was able to come and brought his own friend. And the moment that happened, I became obligated to show up on time. Bummer.

This of course meant that I was at the mercy of the CTA, an organization known as much for its efficiency as Bush is known for his facility with Euclidean geometry. It did not help that I had had three cups of coffee prior to this set just to keep myself awake. I ended up sitting next to a young man who, despite looking completely normal from afar, turned out not only to have topographically relevant acne but also was a mouthbreather with terrible teeth. And he shook his knee incessantly, the knee that was right next to me. Also, he had larger hips than me (and I am large hipped) and ended up taking way more than his share of the seat. Unfortunately, the 66 is always crowded, so my options are generally limited.

Anyway, we're picking up more passengers, and we ended up picking up an unremarkable looking young woman who made my seatmate react enthusiastically. He took out his headphones and his face turned towards her with a golden retriever-like desperation, waiting for her to notice him. She did and it was like he glowed from within. Turns out they are acquainted in some way--he attempted to show her his desirability by talking about how he was on his way to a party, and why doesn't she stop by? Also, he had just been promoted to a more managerial level at the bakery, yeah it's challenging, but he's up for it. The girl for her part seemed blase but that could have been a facade that hid the passionate magma of her soul.

In any case, the part that cracked me up the most was that the moment my seatmate spied his young female counterpart, he kept looking at me as though he wanted to demand that I get up so that the girl could occupy my seat and he could continue his earnest macking. I did want to indulge him, seriously, but I was exhausted. I was anxious with worry to get to my friend's standup and the bus was getting crazy packed with people. I was not going to get up, especially not for a guy whose m.o. revolved around such golden lines like "yeah, you should totally stop by later. We're gonna like, watch some movies and just chill." It was so awkward to listen to that I started smiling involuntarily. I am certainly not one to throw stones, but wow. It was delightful and creepy and weird and made me very happy.

Unfortunately for our Romeo, or perhaps more sadly, our Dante pining for his bespectacled Beatrice, she was spirited off towards the back of the bus as more and more passengers joined our little bus. He is now devastated and has resumed his crazy knee wiggling. At this point, my friend calls me to inform me that our friend's set is coming up soon. I, trying to keep my cool, announce to the bus "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to do. I'm in hell right now, this bus is slow and packed with people and I'm about 10 seconds away from freaking out." Approximately 20 faces turn to look at me. Clearly, I am not actually going to freak out. No one announces that they are going to freak out and then actually freaks out (because in that case, it ends up being a premeditated act--to me, freaking out is involuntary and thus much scarier).

My friend, who I will say is not known for his sympathetic side, announces to me again, someone is taking the stage! It's starting! You better get here! I ask him at that point whether I need to call in a bomb threat or something. What do you want me to do? I hate moments like that, when you're already running late and you don't want to be late and someone reminds you of what you're about to miss and you're not in control and you can't do anything and the guy next to you smells like a Slim Jim and it's claustrophobic and you're wired on caffeine and aaaaaaack.

A note about public smells. When I was a young girl, on the cusp of adolescence, I remember a rather terrible girl at my school who told everyone in my gym class that Indian people smelled bad. Since that day, I have fought long and hard to be the best-smelling person anyone has ever met. I have taken up the torch for Indian people. I am determined, if I can help it, to never smell bad in public. It's also a way to show my respect for people. When you are in a public place, try to make the world a little better. To my knowledge, my attempts have not been in vain. Frequently, in elevators, large open spaces, bars, meetings, among strangers or friends, people tell me I smell good. I appreciate it, but also know that I have earned it.

However, many people, not having the same chip on their shoulder, don't feel a similar obligation. Here I ask you though--can you maybe just try? Can you just try to smell a little better? Make sure you're wearing clean clothes, deodorant. If you don't like to shower every day, it's okay but maybe just dust yourself with a little powder then? Toothbrush not handling your mouth hygiene adequately? Let me introduce you to Listerine and floss. I swear, there's an answer. Let's find it together.

So, yeah. Crowded bus, running late, bad smelling people in love, and caffeine. It was my personal hell. I don't know if I'm ready for New York. I need to go through some gauntlet/bootcamp type stuff to test my mettle.

Oh, just to let you know though--the standup sets were amazing. My friend was, of course, the funniest person there just like he usually is, though the comedians who were also part of the set were by and large pretty enjoyable. Another excellent side bonus was that I ran into a lot of people I hadn't seen since college, wonderful people who I was very happy to reconnect with. So, while the bus trip was pretty ridiculous and I am beginning to question the rationale behind my coffee intake, it's all worth it to get some great live comedy and socializing out of it. There go those lemons.