In Case of Emergency

I saw "Cloverfield" last night. I loved it, and I'm not ashamed to say so. During the movie, I was glued to my seat. After the movie, I talked about it incessantly. There are moments that I can't get out of my head. I know I sound like a complete dork right now, but I don't care. It was one of the most unique movie experiences I've had in a long time.

However, it did bring up some interesting questions for me, and humbled me considerably as I thought about how I would react if some crazy 30-story beast started demolishing my city. Below are spoilers, but honestly, you're not going to see this movie for the plot anyway.

Question 1: Would I run, or would I hunker down and wait it out?

I'm pretty sure I would run. I would run slowly, and stop a lot because I have no endurance and a small asthma problem, but I would almost certainly run. Why run? Because I don't want to be trapped in a building, especially not on the 20th floor, while some random thing is running amok and knocking stuff all over the place. Sure, you run a lot of risks by wandering around on the streets, but at least by getting on the streets (hopefully in a car or something) you can mobilize yourself away from danger instead of waiting for something awful to eat you.

Question 2: Would I head underground?

No no no no NO. This movie, for one, makes a very good argument against going underground (large, insect-y things that can quietly follow you and then attack you like a rabid puma). But the major issue is freedom of movement. Underground, things can collapse on you, and your ability to move around in the direction you want is limited by where you are. If you are, for example, stuck in a tunnel, your choice is to go forward, go backwards, or curl up in the fetal position and wait for death to take you. I prefer to have lots of room to wander around screaming and freaking out. That's just how I roll.

Question 3: If someone called you crying on the phone and begging for your help, would you go back and help them rather than head towards certain safety?

Unfortunately, I'd have to say it depends. I wish I could be the type of heroic protagonist that could get a call from her 8th grade math teacher and spring into action to save him or her (I can't even remember my 8th grade math teacher, so my apologies there). But the fact is, I'm an only child and I have to consider what I'd put my mother through. I can't imagine someone telling my mom "Yeah, your sole offspring perished while trying to save this person she was in Girl Scouts with 16 years ago."

On the other hand, if it were a family member like my young cousins, mom or dad, or grandma, I would probably attempt to hijack a tank or car (whatever vehicle is at my disposal) and spirit them out of harm's way. But it's almost for selfish reasons because I know at the next family gathering, someone would end up saying something like "well, Nani usually brings the halwa, but since Ms. Thing over there couldn't go back to save her, I guess we'll just have to go without dessert tonight." And then everyone would look at me and shake their heads.

I'm just kidding. I just don't want to reveal how crazily sentimental I am about my family. Seriously, I can't even imagine the insane stunts I would pull to get them to safety.

Question 4: Would I let a loved one head back to try and save someone?

Absolutely not. My guess is, I would find a heavy object and knock them out (not an easy feat, I admit) and then try to drag their unconscious self to safety. Certainly, my friends are allowed to make their own decisions, but hurling themselves into certain doom is not considered optional.

Question 5: What qualities do I lack in surviving a "Cloverfield" type situation?

Well, for starters, physical fitness. If pressed, I can run a mile or two without stopping. Slowly. I can walk for miles and miles, again, if pressed (and wearing the right shoes). But, I cannot sprint more than 30 feet. I am not adept at scrambling over debris, boulders, people lying supine on the ground having been trampled. I would be a tramplee, not a trampler.

There's also my contact lenses. The moment I got a bit of dust in my eyes, I'd be completely helpless. Take off my contacts, you say? Without corrective lenses, I can barely tell colors apart. I'd end up walking right up the monster and snuggling its leg thinking it was some wayward elephant escapee that could shelter me in my moment of need.

Another issue--I am irrationally decisive. This might be okay in some scenarios, but in a "monster eating the city" type crisis, one probably needs to spend at least a few seconds considering the validity of certain options. For example--if one does not know the scope, location, or motivation of your monster, you probably should not put yourself in an all-or-nothing situation (e.g. on a bridge). However, I would probably rely too much on my flawed instinct and would just run willy nilly in whatever direction everyone else would be running in. Not a great choice to make if everyone in front of you is running straight into a monster-tummy-territory.

Question 6: What do I think are our chances of dealing with a monster? What are our expectations of survival?

In Chicago, we have two advantages over our monsters. The first is weather--if a monster tried to attack us right now, he would mostly likely freeze to death because he, like most of us, forgot to purchase longjohns in advance of the season. The second advantage is space. We are a very spread out city. We are not encumbered, like Manhattan, by natural boundaries like water or New Jersey. Sorry, that was a weak New Jersey dig. Not only that but, I give a lot of street cred to the CPD. This city for the most part is run like a well-oiled machine. Not that the NYPD and US Military are incompetent by any means, but the CPD has some additional midwestern moxie that I'm proud to be protected by.

In closing, while I am not completely certain, I do believe it is probably premature to fear a monster invasion similar to what I saw last night during "Cloverfield" (again, damn that's one amazing movie...firefights, crazy angry alien insect things, excellent special effects, a brutally beautiful shot of the monster from the ground level towards the end right before the ersatz cinematographer gets eaten). However, I still think it is better to be ready in any case. Tomorrow I am starting my "Monster Preparedness Program" which entails my saving up for Lasik and running long distances while screaming, waving my arms, and saying "Oh my God!" over and over again.